I feel brand new.
Many people probably see me as someone who has always had a little body, I've never been overweight. After years of hard work to build muscles and get stronger, I've been told I was born with this body, that other people have to work harder than I do.
I'm here to say I work my booty off every day to get this body. It does not come naturally for me. Not only that, but I'm only in competition with myself.
This is a brand new concept for me, and I feel brand new because of it. My fitness story is a little different than seeing that huge physical transformation.
My mind and body has transformed.
I have struggled my entire life with confidence issues. I was part of a large group of friends all throughout school, I played sports, I had leadership roles, I was a decent student, but I was so shy and insecure; being in my head all the time held me back. I compared myself to the best athletes. I compared myself to the prettiest of my friends. I never looked at myself in the mirror and saw my beauty.
It didn't get better once I hit college. I started to see my beauty but my insecurities and shyness really hurt me. I joined a sorority and for the first two weeks I hardly made any friends. I didn't understand why no one would talk to me. I left a lot of great friends back home and came here starting over, and no one would give me the time of day. I later learned that I came across stuck up and intimidating. A few girls told me they saw me as this beautiful girl but being shy made me unapproachable.
Throughout that first year in college I was exposed to many new college life experiences that were incredibly overwhelming. I was really trying to find myself, I was making friends, some of which I still think extremely highly of and love dearly. Many others, did not have the values I was looking to associate myself with. As I look back I see myself as a girl who is just beginning her journey to who she's really meant to be. I see myself with arms outstretched searching in darkness turning around all the wrong corners. I had a blast my first two months of college, joining the girls to party at the frats, hoping to find my future husband. Living in a sorority with 70 girls was quiet the experience. There's "GIRL CODE" X100 and I'll admit I may have broken girl code a few times. I was a complicated mess of a person who didn't know how to handle relationships with 70 new sorority sisters, while trying not to be shy and insecure and come off intimidating.
At this time I started getting attention from guys, while at the same time starting to see my beauty. I didn't make any huge mistakes in terms of disrespecting my own body, I have always sought out relationships in hopes to find a husband, not just to have someone at my side, or to hook up with like many other girls in college. But the relationships I made with a few guys at this time broke girl code in they eyes of my sorority sisters.
I stopped going out, I stopped drinking, I hated being at the house so I would go to class and then to the gym for two hours at a time. I didn't like going down to dinner with all the girls so I ate soup and pop every night for dinner. I was eating, I wouldn't classify myself as anorexic. But the stresses I was experiencing, and the depression I was falling into while trying to find myself made me extremely unhealthy. What a complicated mess.
After this first year, I tried going back for my second year in the house and couldn't do it. My dad drove for bellingham to Moscow and back in one day. A combination of my boyfriend breaking up with me, the same song and dance with sorority sisters treating their bodies like dirt and me holding their hair back every night in the bathroom, made me realize this is not where I'm suppose to be.
Best decision of my life. I went home, worked, and went to Africa for a month. That's a whole other story to tell at a later time!
The point of all this is, it took me years of this to find myself. After I came back to Idaho I was in a relationship that did nothing for me. I was his mother. I was working and going to school full time while he was partying and playing video games. I would clean his room, do his laundry and cook his meals. However, our breakup was devastating to me. And I wouldn't be where I am now if it hadn't ended just then. Following that I met an Australian student I fell for. He brought out all my insecurities but I was all about him. He made me feel good at times, but most the time I didn't feel good enough, I didn't feel like I had his attention for long. He ended up seeing me while seeing another girl. Actually borrowed my car at one point to stay the night at her house. Esshh!
These things kept happening for almost 4 years. A rollercoaster of insecurities kept washing over me.
I have finally, FINALLY reached the light at the end of the tunnel. I am working out to better my mind and body. I have learned how to get out of my head. I have figured out not to care what other people think of me. I have found reason to cut ties with people who add negativity in my life. And most importantly I have realized that I am not defined by my mistakes. Fitness and health has helped me transform mentally. I have found this outlet that connects me with other people. It allows me to make relationships with people that are actually beneficial. I feel so free, I feel so confident, and I feel so beautiful. I have found something that allows me to use my strengths in a way that aids in my ability to be compassionate and caring for others. All I want to do is make an impact on peoples lives from here on out, positively. In the eyes of some of the sorority girls, I may not be seen as a great person. But from here, I will strive to be seen as who I truly am. I am genuine, I am caring, and I want to make a positive impact on every person I come across.
I can finally say I have found myself.